"Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, 'I never liked you, get lost.'"
"I'm off to astonish the world with more feats of ade-quata-quaticism."
"Have you ever heard the expression when life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"
"Do I hear the plaintive cry of the crested North American quitter?
"Freedom of speech is one thing, the word 'penis' is another."
"Going to the bathroom is a privilege you just may lose if you sit idly by in these troubled times, my friend."
"I mean, nobody cares how beautiful the souffle is if the appetizer is turds in a blanket."
"Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."
"Envy not that which not need be possessed."
"Screw your problem, I'm talking about me."