Failure To Follow Rules Will Cause Flooding

The thick-necked traveler ahead of me at the Hyatt was just building up to a crescendo when I walked in to register.

“Why do I need to show a credit card? This makes no sense. None at all.”

The young lady at the front desk had that same painted-on, pained expression I used to wear when I had worked in retail during my college days. She was basically telling him without saying it aloud, “Go to hell, you stupid bastard.”

The man asked to speak to a manager, and the lady obliged by stepping into the back room. I’m sure the young lady asked the manager, “Can you please tell this thick-necked, stupid bastard to go to hell.” At least I'd like to imagine that she got to say it that way.

While she was away, the man turned to me for some form of comfort.

“Unbelievable,” he said as he shook his head.

I raised my eyebrows and shifted my gaze away. Didn’t wanna be a part of his suitcase. Luckily I didn’t have to answer … the manager arrived—a striking, 6’ tall redhead with a plunging neckline and take-no-prisoners hardened look. Poor bastard was outgunned.

Young Lady turned to me and asked, “Sir, may I help you?” I presented my info which Thick Neck seemed to be lacking.

After some back and forth with Thick Neck, Sexy Manager said, “Those are our rules, sir.” Thick Neck began with another lame approach, but by then, I was checked-in and heading down the hall to the elevator to get to my room. As I waited for the elevator, I heard his loud stammers and shift in tone. A “can you do me a favor” change of tune. Watership down!

The word “rule” went through my head. I remember a former boss used to say, “If a rule exists, it’s because someone somewhere screwed up.”

While I unpacked my bags for the umpteenth time over the past few weeks, I glanced around the room. An inviting, clean, cozy room. And then the sign underneath the sprinkler system, which jutted from the wall near the ceiling, caught my eye … it read, “Contact with sprinkler will cause flooding.”

I pondered the words of warning for a moment as I walked to the window and looked out. There was Thick Neck in the parking lot, tossing his suitcase—with great force—into the car trunk, and then he slammed it shut.

It’s for the best he didn’t stay. Guys like him, who can’t follow rules, would’ve flooded his room, causing a false alarm in the middle of the night that’d send the rest of us evacuating the building in our underwear. We’ve all been there, right?

I went to the desk in the corner of my room, sat down in the computer chair, and warmed up the laptop to get back to formatting the latest Hawthorne eBook. But before that, a blog post …

The Message Was Clear

The courier pigeon landed on the sill with the straight to the point message: 'Mr. Cranmer. We need you.' I looked around. Not even a Mrs. Peel waiting in a Lotus Elan. Just time to leave, son. So, I have scheduled some BTAP-related posts but it may be a week or two before I'm back in the swing of commenting faithfully again.

My Town Monday (Travel Edition): The Birthplace Of Nero Wolfe

I suggest beginning with autobiographical sketches from each of us, and here is mine. I was born in Montenegro and spent my early boyhood there. At the age of sixteen I decided to move around, and in fourteen years I became acquainted with most of Europe, a little of Africa, and much of Asia, in a variety of roles and activities. Coming to this country in nineteen-thirty, not penniless, I bought this house and entered into practice as a private detective. I am a naturalized American citizen.

– Nero Wolfe addressing the suspects in "Fourth of July Picnic" (1957)


In the birthplace of the man Archie Goodwin describes as weighing "a seventh of a ton" I came across a clock tower with no clock. I was informed that every Ottoman-ruled town had a clock tower to indicate the Muslim prayer times, and Podgorica's 18th century tower is one of the few remaining structures.

Don't know who he is or represents but I started calling him Slim. The gentleman hung around the radio and television station


A majestic looking Orthodox church in the capital city.


Yes, I still find cemeteries fascinating. And this one has plenty of character to spare.

"In life everything must have an aim, except orchids." I couldn't find any orchids which every Wolfe aficionado knows is the detective's favorite but I did find this colorful tree sprouting a unique flower all its own.


Why did it have to be a black cat in my path? THE MOUNTAIN CAT MURDERS leapt to mind.

Scarlet Johansson looking over my shoulder as I walk the streets of the great detective's birthplace. The song "Return of the Grievous Angel" was running through my head

For more MTM adventures click here.

Still Moseying Around

I've gotten emails from some folks asking why my blog comments are turned off, so I thought I should mention again that I'm traveling for work and will be for the rest of the year. Internet access is sporadic at the moment and beginning next week I doubt I'll have access at all.

But fear not BTAP readers, I have an amazing support system with Elaine and dMix and the Weekly Punches will continue to roll out with some incredible surprises in store (hint: two of the biggest pulp writers on the planet and a writer who is sizzling with her latest novel deliver knockout blows).

Also, we've received some terrific submissions for the BEAT to a PULP print anthology planned for late 2010. I still need pirates! C'mon, who hasn't watched the swashbuckling films of Errol Flynn, Burt Lancaster and Johnny Depp and then wanted to tell a seafaring adventure of their very own. Aye, mate? Please keep in mind, it may take several months before you receive an acceptance notice due to the high volume of submissions and sorting process.

Traveling Man

Folks, I’m out and about traveling and will be for the next several months. Some of the places I’m stopping have zilch for Internet. In others, I’m crazy busy. So I will be turning off my comments because I feel it’s unfair to expect comments when I can’t reply on a regular basis. Please don’t go away. I do have posts scheduled and each week Elaine and d will be putting up the Weekly Punch at BEAT to a PULP with the links right here. And I will visit everyone’s site as often as I’m able.

Most of you have my e-mail so please feel free to drop a line for anything.